The couple relationship is part of everyone's life: We are born of a couple and our whole life is interwoven with couple stories.
In Western society the couple is built around the ideal of romantic love , love like that of fairy tales: Two people destined to be together who overcome unexpected obstacles and in the end "lived happily ever after."
Have you ever wondered what happens after the prince and princess crown their dream of love? After 10 years have passed since their happy ending?
Movies, books, songs send us back a unrealistic ideal of the love relationship : an idyllic love, a couple relationship in which we must necessarily feel satisfied, peaceful, happy... and if that doesn't happen it means that our relationship is not working anymore and that maybe love is over.
Every relationship is a path in constant evolution : after the "honeymoon" the true story begins, consisting not only of happy and full moments, but also of difficulties, conflicts, evolutionary steps that require the questioning of balances, projects and established habits.
The couple is based on mutual investment two people . Each partner has expectations and needs towards the other that are mutually satisfied. A special characteristic of this investment is stability: there is no relationship that does not start with the thought of "forever."
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So why do couples divorce? Can love last?
Love is not taken for granted once and for all but it is a constant choice and is built over time, not without difficulty. The fate of a relationship is therefore not unique for everyone and every couple has its own particularity.
But let's try to see together what are the basic steps that every relationship goes through.
Love and in love
The first phase is the love that inevitably passes through the Attraction . We are particularly attracted to this person for various reasons: for his voice, for an aspect of his character, for his look, for a detail of his body. We desire close contact with this person, we are driven to do everything to be close to him.
Passion takes over and upsets us.
We are prey to powerful emotions that change our balance, our previous beliefs, our attachments. The partner becomes the centre of our world, our minds and thoughts are entirely taken over by him. Many men are looking for visas to satisfy their wants.
It is the phase of idealization : everything looks great, it's what we've always dreamed of, we highlight the strengths while minimising the weaknesses. You feel in seventh heaven, content, happy! Over time, if we feel sufficiently secure, we can allow the partner to see other aspects of us, our weaknesses, our flaws: this is the moment when we start talking more, talking about our past and our pain. In the partner there is an emotional refuge, the place where you can be yourself.
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Beyond the more or less conscious reasons that lead people to choose each other, when this happens it is because we feel mutually welcome, we feel reassured in being exactly as we are.
Our partner becomes fundamental for us because it is only through him/her that we feel we exist, we identify with the precious image he/she sends back to us. The two partners find in each other confirmation of their mode of functioning. We could say that in this phase we do not really fall in love with the other but that which we imagine, think and dream about that person and the image they send back to us.
Mature love, love "for life"
With the passage of time the initial engagement tends to decrease and we begin to meet the other person for who they really are, and not exactly as we imagined them to be. The idealization disappears and we come to terms with reality: we see our partner's flaws that previously seemed non-existent, the sexual desire no longer has the same intensity as before, we realize that we don't have as much in common as we thought. This is a delicate phase of the relationship that can also lead to a break-up.
It is the phase in which we shift the centre of gravity: from moving completely to the other we return to ourselves, claiming the way to be at full power.
" Tonight I'm going out with my friends", "I can't stand it when you talk about your ex", "You don't look at me like you used to", "I don't recognize you anymore".
These are just a few of the phrases that are beginning to make their way into the couple: the companions are trying to be confirmed , taking the first moments of their journey as a reference point and inevitably the comparison is lost. There is no longer the initial excitement, the constant desire to spend every moment with each other, what brought us closer to each other seems to disappear more and more.
The couple's journey follows an uphill road consisting of difficult moments, discussions and conflicts. Dialogue, learning to respect other people's spaces, avoiding jealousy and controlling behaviour will be fundamental in this phase .
The companions must be willing and ready to welcome each other for who they really are and recognise their own expectations and the need to love and be loved. This phase requires an important step, that of being ready to take your love, your investment seriously and project it into the future. Each couple will do it in their own way: cohabitation, marriage, child are just some of the ways that mark the transition from the dimension of the present to that of the future.
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But this passage to love "for life" is not always possible or if possible it doesn't seem to last forever. How many times have we heard stories of couples in love who just when they could be together without any other ties or attachments they walk away from each other? Of couples who break up shortly after marriage or the birth of a child?
The crisis
The crises, or rather crises within the couple are inevitable sooner or later they arrive. Crisis challenges our initial investment, destabilizes and can lead to questioning love. More and more couples are separating, finding the solution to their difficulties in separation. The other person who was originally experienced as the only one capable of making us happy is now experienced as the source of our dissatisfaction and pain.
One of the most common expressions of the crisis is the treason : I am looking for in a third stranger in the couple what I can no longer find in my relationship. Betrayal can be a cause of crisis or an expression of it.
Judgment in any way expressed within the couple is inevitable because love is in constant evolution, it is not static, it needs constant and continuous commitment in time. It is easy to believe that if in our couple we are no longer happy and satisfied it is entirely up to the other person who no longer affirms our way of life and challenges us. Remaining in this position can make us think that the only solution to the crisis is separation in search of another who will make us happy.
But happiness, pleasure, love are not dependent on the other person but are an expression of our own , start exclusively with us. Recognizing that our feelings come from us and not from the people we are depend on the other, it allows us to access a new dimension of the relationship, in which it is my love for you that makes me happy and satisfied, not the other way around.
"Love is constant enrichment, devotion and respect. Love is discovery of yourself. Love combines the inner with the outer. Love is always knowing yourself in the loving relationship with another. Love is uniting the becoming with the becoming of the Other. Love is life" (Minolli, 2016).
Falling in love is necessary to allow the initial commitment , allows us to shorten distances and reduce the stranger's physical distrust. Mature love, the love of life, leads us to reconcile ourselves to otherness and inevitably to reconcile ourselves to who we really are.
The crisis may represent an opportunity for each of the partners to open up new ways to be together , to find in the other the stimulus to go further and grow. To take this step, it is necessary to be in touch with oneself, with one's own needs and desires, to consider them one's own and not to delegate them to another. It is not a step that can be reached once and for all because as individuals and therefore as a couple we are always in constant evolution.
