The couple relationship is a part of each of us's lives: We are born as a couple and our whole life is interwoven with couple stories.
In western society the couple is built around the ideal of romantic love , fairytale love: Two people destined to be together who overcome unexpected obstacles and in the end "they lived happily ever after."
Have you ever wondered what happens after the prince and princess crown their dream of love? After 10 years have passed since their happy ending?
Movies, books, songs send us back one unrealistic ideal of love relationship : an idyllic love, a couple relationship in which we must necessarily feel satisfied, peaceful, happy... and if this does not happen it means that our relationship is not working anymore and that maybe the love is over.
Every relationship is a path in constant evolution : after the "honeymoon" the true story begins, consisting not only of happy and full moments, but also of difficulties, conflicts, evolutionary steps that require challenging balances, projects and established habits.
The couple relies on each other investment two people . Each partner has expectations and needs for the other that are mutually satisfied. A special feature of this investment is stability: there is no relationship that does not begin with his thought "forever".
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So why do couples break up? Can love last?
Love is not taken for granted once and for all but is a constant choice and is built over time, not without difficulty. So the fate of a relationship is not unique for everyone and every couple has its own particularity.
But let's try to see together what are the basic steps that every relationship goes through.
Love and in love
The first phase is the love that inevitably passes through attraction . This person is particularly attractive to us for various reasons: for his voice, for an aspect of his character, for his look, for a detail of his body. We desire close contact with this person, we are driven to do everything to be close to him.
Passion overwhelms us and upsets us.
We are prey to powerful emotions that change our balance, our previous beliefs, our bonds. The partner becomes the center of our world, our mind and thoughts are completely occupied by him. Many men are looking businessmen to satisfy their wants.
It is the her phase idealization : everything looks great to us, it's what we've always dreamed of, we highlight the strengths while minimizing the flaws. You feel in seventh heaven, satisfied, happy! Over time, if we feel safe enough, we can allow the partner to see other aspects of us, our weaknesses, our flaws: this is when we start to talk more, to talk about our past and our pain. In a partner there is an emotional refuge, the place where you can be yourself.
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Apart from the reasons, more or less conscious, that lead people to choose each other, when this happens it is because we feel mutually welcome, we feel reassured in being just the way we are.
Our partner becomes fundamental to us because only through him/her do we feel that we exist, identify with the precious image that sends us back. The two partners find in each other confirmation of their mode of operation. We could say that at this stage we are not really falling in love with the other but this, which we imagine, think and dream about that person and the image they send back to us.
Mature love, love "for life"
With the passage of time the initial engagement tends to decrease and we begin to meet the other for what he really is, and not exactly as we imagined him. Idealization disappears and we come to terms with reality: we see our partner's flaws that previously seemed non-existent, sexual desire no longer has the same intensity as before, we realize that we do not have as much in common as we thought. This is a delicate phase of the relationship that can also lead to breakup.
It is the phase in which we shift the center of gravity: from moving completely to the other we return to ourselves, claiming the way to be at full power.
« I'm going out with my friends tonight', 'I can't stand it when you talk about your ex', 'You don't look at me like you used to', 'I don't recognize you anymore'.
These are just a few of the phrases that are starting to make their way into the couple: partners try to assert themselves , taking the first moments of their journey as a point of reference and inevitably the comparison is lost. There is no longer the initial excitement, the constant desire to spend every moment with the other, what brought us closer to the other seems to disappear more and more.
The couple's journey follows an uphill road consisting of difficult moments, discussions and conflicts. Dialogue, learning to respect others' spaces, avoiding jealousy and controlling behaviors will be fundamental in this phase .
Partners must be willing and ready to welcome each other for who they really are and recognize their own expectations and need to love and be loved. This phase requires an important step, that of being ready to take your love, your investment seriously and project it into the future. Each couple will do it in their own way: cohabitation, marriage, child are just some of the ways that mark the transition from the dimension of the present to that of the future.
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But this passage to love "for life" it is not always possible or if possible it doesn't seem to last forever. How many times have we heard stories about couples in love who, just when they could be together without any other ties and bonds, run away from each other? Of couples who divorce shortly after marriage or the birth of a child?
The crisis
The crises, or rather crises within the couple are inevitable , sooner or later they arrive. Crisis questions our initial investment, destabilizes and can lead to the questioning of love. More and more couples are divorcing, finding a solution to their separation difficulties. The other who was initially experienced as the only one capable of making us happy is now experienced as the source of our dissatisfaction and pain.
One of more common expressions of judgment is betrayal : I am looking for in a third party unknown to the couple what I can no longer find in my relationship. Betrayal can be a cause of judgment or an expression of it.
The crisis in any way expressed within the couple is inevitable because love is in constant evolution, it is not static, it needs a constant and continuous commitment in time. It is easy to believe that if we are no longer happy and satisfied in our couple it is entirely up to the other person who no longer confirms our lifestyle and questions us. Staying in this position can make us think that the only solution to the crisis is separation, in search of someone else who will make us happy.
Nevertheless happiness, pleasure, love do not depend on the other but are an expression of ourselves , they start exclusively from us. Recognizing that our feelings come from us and not dependent on the other, it allows us to access a new dimension of relationship, in which it is my love for you that makes me happy and satisfied and not the other way around.
"Love is constant enrichment, devotion and respect. Love is discovering yourself. Love combines the inside with the outside. Love is always knowing yourself in the relationship of love with the other. Love is to unite the becoming with the becoming of the Other. Love is life” (Minolli, 2016).
Falling in love is necessary to allow the initial commitment , allows us to shorten distances and reduce the natural distrust of the stranger. Mature love, love of life, leads us to come to terms with otherness and inevitably to come to terms with who we really are.
The crisis can represent an opportunity for each of the partners to open up new ways to be together , to find in the other the stimulus to go further and develop. In order to take this step, it is necessary to be in touch with oneself, with one's own needs and desires, to consider them one's own and not to delegate them to another. It is not a step that can be reached once and for all because as individuals and therefore as a couple we are always in constant evolution.
