One of the biggest dating traps for gay men are sexually attracted to straight men. Many scenarios have been written in porn about gay and straight men being seduced in various sex games and this can certainly be hot from a revealing point of view! There's nothing inherently wrong with this because wants are unique to each of us and we can all admire beauty regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Our sexual fantasies are our own and become an important driving force for our sexuality and eroticism! Sexual intercourse with a straight man is also enhanced when the activity is safe, consensual and both parties know what sexual intercourse means! The question is, why are gay men attracted to straight men?
The trap occurs when gay men seek intercourse primarily with straight men to the exclusion of other available partners (gay or otherwise) and focus only on attraction to a heterosexual! This, combined with the potential for this tendency to become fetishized or compulsive, can be an extreme form of self-sabotage if a gay man is truly interested in seeking a partner for a long-term, committed relationship. When we do this, we set ourselves up to be hurt because the man we desire will not reciprocate our romantic aspirations. He is emotionally unavailable to us.
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Psychology
If Freud were sitting here with us, from a psychoanalytic point of view, he would say that there are many possible theories as to why this phenomenon is happening. First, our society idealizes masculinity. Growing up in a homophobic culture where anything related to femininity as a man is considered unacceptable. It becomes a damaging collective assumption that "gay men are not real men". Therefore, for a gay man to 'throw down' on a straight man can be seen as the ultimate validation when a lifetime of feeling different while feeling rejected, alienated and perhaps even intimidated. So, this is his ticket to feeling good, and this then becomes erotic and drags the gay man even further into a cycle of seeking heterosexual men. This is the first explanation as to why gay men are attracted to straight men!
For some men who experience "fatherlessness" due to a disconnected relationship with their father, this unresolved issue is projected into a cycle of seeking sexual conquests with straight men to "feed their longing for a relationship with their father using sexuality as a vehicle.
For others, internalized homophobia may be the culprit. Because they can't accept themselves, they seek comfort from the power and authority represented by the straight man to acknowledge their worth.
Views attributed to the heterosexual
Initially straight men are also attracted to homosexuals. Or seeking the association with straight men will perhaps avoid the intimacy required for a true emotional intimacy needed with a life partner. Many people think they are not gay in this way because sex is just behavior and not an indication of their true identity and orientation. However, other men enjoy the thrill of what is unattainable and forbidden, seeking out straight men for the pursuit and fun of conquest. As you can tell, these considerations are very deep psychological. Whether you believe these theories or not, the truth is that if you are a single gay man seeking a compatible life partner , the unavailability and unrealistic nature of this pairing will sabotage your efforts at love and keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of broken dreams and disappointments.
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How to avoid these pitfalls
Here are some recommendations to help you avoid this self-destructive path:
1. Explore the reasons behind your particular efforts to connect with heterosexual men.
By exploring the psychological reasons behind this tendency with a therapist, you will be able to cultivate a more satisfying relationship with yourself and boost your self-esteem.
2. Stop living in fantasies and redirect your energies to live your life to the fullest, in the here and now and make your desires a reality!
3. Start dating men who are available both physically and emotionally and really focus on appreciating the true beauty that other gay men have.
4. Recognize that most of what drives the attraction to straight men is what they represent.
Qualities often attributed to heterosexual men, such as confidence, assertiveness, masculinity and strength, are also possessed by gay men.
5. Also, recognize the advantages of female energy, something we all have (even straight men!) and stop using terms like "straight energies/habits". This only promotes ongoing homophobia and rigid gender roles that create binary bonds in people and keep us stuck in dichotomies.
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Why are gay men attracted to straight men?
Internalised homophobia: This is the easiest reason to mention the phenomenon of gay men seeking gay men "straight" or even just straight. Because of internalized homophobia (which usually seems great before and during the early coming out process), they more often seek out men who behave masculine. Very often, gay men who do not face their internalized shame will be attracted to unavailable men. If a sought-after man becomes emotionally available, it confirms the fact that the seeker is indeed gay and forces him to face all the issues of being half of a gay couple. So for these gay men, straight men are desirable precisely because they will never become available.
Forbidden fruit: Knowing that we can't have them can strengthen our desire for them. Flirting with a straight man runs the risk of humiliation, verbal or physical harassment or assault or even death, but the risk involved can actually increase sexual arousal, which is often fueled by fear, risk and danger!
Straight men represent power: A typical and popular porn scenario features a hot straight military, police officer, boss, coach, teacher or other authority figure who sexually submits to a submissive gay man. Both end up enjoying it! This fantasy leaves gay men feeling "accepted" by a straight man (at least in fantasy) and offers them a way to feel good - even validated - for being dominated. Outside of sexual role-play, the reality would be very different but in sexual fantasy, danger is cleverly tamed to become pleasure!
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Straight men represent father figures: When a gay man enjoys fantasies about straight men, I suggest he explore his relationships with significant straight men in his life, starting with his father. The answers may lead him to make friends with straight men and find answers to much within himself! People have sexual fetishes, role-playing, daddy/boy fantasies, dominance/submission, humiliation or encouragement for straight men to "become" momentarily gay and have sex with each other. Sometimes it's simply because their bodies respond erotically to these behaviors, but other times a psychological meaning is trying to be expressed. Often it's a little bit of both.
Need for a sense of belonging and masculinity: Sexual fantasies for straight men may represent a longing to be accepted by straight men in general. Marginalized for too long by straight peers, excluded from male company, many gay men desire to sex with a straight man because it would be proof that they are acceptable after all. As individuals, gay men have been hurt, "battered" and humiliated by straight men. For gay men, they are singled out by confident males, whether they are fathers, father caretakers, priests, coaches, teachers or any other men who are all considered to be in positions of authority and prestige.
In conclusion
As children gay men love and admire male role models and long for their acceptance. As adults, when they sexualize these same figures, they create an unconscious way of feeling safe and attached to them. In the sexual fantasy of pleasing a straight man, they finally have the opportunity to connect with them and gain the acceptance they have always wanted . Some gay men even have fantasies of "overpowering" straight men, seducing them and/or forcing them to have sex. Once again, these fantasies can be exciting fun, but engaging in them or acting on them, even with a willing straight male, will not help you find Mister Right, if in fact that is what you are looking for long term. It may also prevent you from examining your own issues and attitudes about straight men. The team of Adult Club, through research, authoritative sources and study, gathered the reasons and parameters regarding why gay men are attracted to straight men!
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