"Sex with whores it gives me a special feeling," says James. An average, thirtysomething, middle-class man, James had taken an extended lunch break from his job to talk to us about his experiences with the scrub women. Shy and slightly nervous, he told me, "I hope talking about it might help me understand why I do it!" And I was hoping to better understand his motives. James was one of dozens of men who were interviewed for a major international research project that seeks to uncover the reality about men who prefer sex with prostitutes. The survey spanned six countries and of the 103 clients we spoke to overseas most were willing to discuss their experiences. The men did not fall into obvious stereotypes. They were aged between 18 and 70, they were white, black, Asian, Eastern European. Most were employed and many had education beyond basic school level. In the main they were presentable, polite and had good social skills. Many were married. Just over half were either married or in a relationship with a woman.
The contradiction
Research published in 2005 found that the numbers of men paying for sex had doubled in a decade. The researchers attributed this rise to "greater acceptance of commercial sex", but many of our interviewees told us they felt intense guilt and shame about paid sex. "I'm not satisfied in my mind" was how one described his feelings after paying for sex. Another told us that he felt "disappointed about wasting money" and "I don't feel guilty about my wife". In fact, many of the men were a mass of contradictions. Despite finding their experiences "incomplete, empty, mediocre", they continued to visit prostitutes. We interviewed 12 of the men and found it a fascinating experience. One told me about his experience of childhood cruelty and neglect and linked this to his inability to form close relationships with anyone, particularly women. Alexander admitted that sex with prostitutes made him feel empty, but he had no idea how to meet women through ordinary, everyday practices. When I asked him about his feelings towards women who have sex for money, he said that on the one hand, he wants the escorts have the desire to get to know him better and like him and, on the other hand, "I know what the reality is, I have no illusions that the meetings are not a real relationship nor a real acquaintance."
The other side of the coin
"I want my ideal hooker to not act like I'm the one, I want to feel special," he said, "in the game I can feel like this is all real, not formal and professional, meaning to a third person it looks like we're in love!" I felt compassion for Alexander. No one had taught him how to form a bond with another human being and he was looking for it through paid love! But another of the interviewees got me thinking. Dimitri was young, handsome and kind. I asked him how often he thought the women he paid for enjoyed sex. "I don't want them to have any pleasure," he told me. "I pay them and it's their job to give me pleasure. If they enjoyed it I would feel cheated." I asked if he felt that the prostitutes were different from other women. "The fact that they are willing to do this work where others wouldn't, even when they were completely broke, means there is some capacity within them that allows them to do it and not feel disgusted," she said. He seemed confident, absolute and potentially hiding a misogyny. When asked what would end prostitution, one interviewee laughed and said: "Kill all the girls." Peter told me that it would take "all the men to be imprisoned." But most of them told the researchers that they would be easily discouraged if the current laws were enforced. The fines, the risk to public exposure, employers being informed, or the risk of a tarnished criminal record would stop most of the men from continuing to pay for sex. Finding out that some women were trafficked, beaten, or otherwise coerced into being prostitutes didn't seem to be as effective. Almost half said they believed that most women in prostitution were victims of pimps ("the pimp does the psychological rape of the woman," explained one). But they continued to visit them.
A possible upcoming new law would make it illegal for men to pay for sex with a woman trafficked by force - and a client's ignorance of the circumstances of a woman's trafficking will not be an excuse. Critics have suggested that this is unfair, that a man cannot know if a woman is being exploited. Our interviews challenged this idea. Men knew, to some extent, about potential abuse and coercion into prostitution - they were not operating under the convenient illusion that women enter sex work because they love sex. More than half admitted that they either knew or believed that the majority of women in prostitution were lured, tricked or trafficked.
Social work
One of the most interesting findings was that many believed that men would "need" to rape if they could not pay for sex with a whore: "One can rape a girl, instead he can go to a whore". Another put it this way: "A desperate man who wants sex so badly needs sex to relieve himself. He may go so far as to rape." I concluded from this that all people are potential rapists. Half of the interviewees had had sex with prostitutes, mostly in Amsterdam, and visiting a country where prostitution is legal and openly advertised had made them start to look at the sex market differently when they returned to their country. Almost half said they first paid for sex when they were under the age of 21. "Dad took me and my older brother," Dino said. "He forced it. Maybe he wanted to make sure we weren't gay. We went to a brothel. I don't think Dad told my mom." Another man paid for sex during a trip to Thailand with nine of his friends. He was excited. "She was a local, she didn't know English well, but she was good at everything!" Many men seemed to want a real relationship with a woman and were disappointed when it didn't pan out: "It's just a sexual act, no feeling. Be ready to accept it or don't take it anywhere else. It's not a wife or girlfriend." Others were clear that they paid for sex so they could fully control the encounter, including Maki, who said: "Look, men pay for these women because he can have what he wants, how he wants it. Many men go to whores so they can do things to them that other women would not tolerate." Although some of the men said they thought the women doing this work enjoyed sex, others admitted they thought they didn't enjoy it as much.
You deserve to have a good time
Men deserve to feel important and connected too! We pay for help all the time. We pay for car repairs. We pay for housework. We pay to have someone make our coffee. We pay for childcare. Why shouldn't we pay for the connection? 80% of suicides involve men. Why is this happening? It's because men have far fewer healthy outlets when they feel down. They are afraid to show weakness, reach out and connect. So they suppress it inside, often with horrible consequences. Believe it or not, sometimes these gentlemen are just looking for some companionship and don't want lies, stories, half-truths and excuses from women! Being in the presence of a beautiful woman, even if she is paid to be there, sometimes makes men feel worthy and proud! Also, most divorced men prefer hookers simply because there is no chance of an expensive divorce, emotional blackmail or attachment, or worse yet, using sex as a means of cowardly punishment.
What man wouldn't want to tell his wife to take off all her clothes, get on all fours in bed, and tell him to ride her? Being able to run these Women and getting them to perform sometimes weird sex games is also part of the beauty of the whole thing! It's hard enough for men to manage to get a date with a non-professional nowadays, let alone guarantee them a night of satisfying sex, so they choose to delve into the casual dating part. Especially if he has no family obligations or a wife waiting at home, then maybe this is not a bad choice for lonely or busy men!
