You are probably familiar with the concept of the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. It is the almost magnetic attraction that some people experience in those early, intoxicating days, when sex is frequent and the physical touch seems endless. It is often romanticized in novels and movies and is a narrative perpetuated by the hypersexualized world we live in, where the titles "have better sex" and "improve your orgasms" are an art. But it is called "phase" for one reason: It is quite difficult to maintain. So why not talk more about what might happen later - a marriage without sex. Human beings are, by nature, tactile and sexual. Intimacy helps us feel close to our partners, so being in a marriage or a relationship without sex can be a lonely and isolated experience. The frequency of sex can change at any point in a relationship and can be a very worrying and frustrating change for both parties if the honeymoon phase was real for you in the past.
The only people who decide how much sex is acceptable in your relationship are you and your partner. If you are happy in a marriage without sex, it does not mean that you do not share intimacy in other ways. On the other hand, if one or both of you want to increase the sex you have in your relationship, there are ways you can get there. Here's everything you need to know, from the implications of a sexless marriage to how to start talking about it…
How normal is sex in a marriage?
Let us clarify one thing: If you are in a marriage without Sex, you are definitely not alone. A large study based on the US General Social Survey 2008 data set showed that 16% of married couples had not been involved in sexual activity (a broad term that did not only include penile-vaginal intercourse) in the past year. "Marriage without sex" has a very broad definition. A study by sociologist Edward O. Laumann of the University of Chicago in the 1990s described sex as "what it means to you" less than once a month and found that up to 20% of couples were in a relationship. so-called "sexless relationship" at the time. More recent research, such as a 2019 study by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, confirms that people may still have less sex than you think - and it is a global trend.
But before you assume that this means that there is an army of miserable, sexually frustrated people out there, sex therapist Jordan Rullo, PhD, reminds us that “You can have a perfectly healthy marriage without sex. Why should all these couples stay together if they do not have sex? " The truth is that there is no "right" amount of sex for all couples. In fact, researchers at the 2008 US General Social Survey found that increased sexual intercourse did not make people happier. Their analysis showed that people between the ages of 18 and 89 who did not have sex actually had very similar levels of life satisfaction compared to their sexually active counterparts. So instead of focusing on one target number, think about connection, intimacy, communication and bonding. These things, in turn, can lead to sex, but they are far more important to your marriage than the number of times you have sex each month.
What are the consequences of a marriage without sex?
Sex is definitely a way to create intimacy between two people: A 2017 study from Florida State University shows that it can unite couples with a sexual "hysteria glow" that lasts up to two days after, and may have long-term positive results beyond that. And of course, frequent sex (which Jordan defines as at least once a week) has been found to make couples happier, improve relationship satisfaction, and increase a sense of security in a relationship. In addition, we know that sexual activity can lead to orgasm. Many times men are led to search for Escorts. Sex is very important in couples in most cases.
"Research has shown that the experience of orgasm can improve mood due to the release of dopamine, reduce stress due to the release of oxytocin and reduce pain with the release of endorphins," says Jordan. Going without sex may mean you are missing out on some of these benefits, but it does not mean that your partners can not maintain a close relationship. Solo play, like masturbation, is a way in which couples in sexless marriages can still seek pleasure. And there are many other forms of intimacy in a relationship that does not involve sex at all, Jordan explains. These include:
- Recreational intimacy - fun together, sports, hobbies
- Mental intimacy - reading together, discussing spiritual matters
- Work intimacy - division of household responsibilities
- Commitment - commitment to a common goal
- Aesthetic intimacy - appreciation of beauty together, such as the arts and theater
- Communication intimacy - honest communication, true feedback
- Emotional intimacy - be vulnerable together
- Creative intimacy - creating together
Why do couples stop having sex?
If there is one thing that is predictable in marriage, it is that the frequency of sex will evolve (and usually decrease) over the years. This is a pattern that is perfectly normal, says Jordan. The early period of time in a sexual relationship is called the "honeymoon phase" or the "puberty phase". "This is the phase where there is a lot more sex when you see your partner with pink glasses," he said. explains. But according to research conducted by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, this period does not last more than 12 to 36 months. "After 12 to 36 months, innovation has slowed down. "You feel much more comfortable with your partner, you may spend less time trying to impress him and begin to recognize some aspects of him that may bother you," explains Jordan. "When you enter this second stage of the relationship, sex usually decreases. This does not mean that you like your partner less or that you find him less attractive. The Visits fill virtually all the gaps in a man.
"It's just that you can't keep this innovation organic." Reasons for a Sexless Relationship: Low Libido Low libido is often the main cause of a sexless marriage: If one or both of you have low sex drive, you may find yourself waiting a long time until you are both in the mood for sex Jordan Rullo explains that the causes of low desire can be divided into four categories:
- Biological - side effects of certain drugs (antidepressants, eg citalopram, sertraline), illness, injury, hormonal changes (menopause, pregnancy), fatigue, poor body image
- Psychological - stress, anxiety, depression, history of sexual trauma, difficulty presenting
- Relationships - to be unhappy in marriage, not to like your partner, not to feel emotionally attached to your partner
- Sociocultural - negative social messages about sex, conflict with religious beliefs
It is common for married couples to have a mismatch in libido, known as "desire mismatch" to experts, when one person tends to be ready for sex while the other does not. This can be problematic. Generally, it either leads to hostility from the person with the highest libido or to avoidance, where the usual "starter" recedes due to fear of rejection. However, it is not only the low sexual drive that could be the root of a marriage without sex. Asexuality is a sexual identity that can be discovered later in life, which means that a person has no desire for sex at all. If this happens, the couple may decide to seek intimacy in other ways. In order for a positive relationship to thrive, what is most important is to open lines of communication so that any issues like these can be resolved together. Bringing us to the most important part…
How to deal with a marriage without sex
If you are worried about a sexless marriage, first try to find out if the problem is that you or your partner feel sexually unsatisfied or if it comes from comparing yourself to other couples. "People often ask, 'How much sex should we have,' and we shouldn't," Jordan explains. In therapy, we have a saying, "Do not do it to yourself." Have as much sex as works for both of you. It is not about comparing yourself to others because others are different. "Comparing yourself to others will not make you happier in your marriage." But if one or both people in a couple are bothered by the rarity or loss of sexual intercourse, it needs to be resolved. Here are some things you can do to help improve the situation:
COMMUNICATE
Communication is the key to any relationship: Neither you nor your partner are mind readers.
But be sure to choose your time wisely. "Do not talk during sex or while you or your partner are having sex. "Choose a neutral, non-sexual time when there is privacy and no time pressure," suggests Jordan. "Enter the discussion with the aim of wanting to understand and be better understood, not with the aim of being right or proving something." Another tip? "When you start a conversation, speak for yourself. Use "I statements" (for example, "I feel sad when we do not have sex") instead of "you statements" (such as "you never start again, do you find me attractive?").
